allybea's place

The final curtain

2011-05-23T20:17:00.001+01:00

This is it. The final post, the last curtain call. Whatever you want to call it. It's been 8 months of a rollercoaster ride and I've decided it's come to an end. The original intention was to document the stuff going on in my life in the hope that it may help someone else find their way through a similar situation and that I could look back and see how far I'd come. Boy, how far have I come!!!

I'm not sure how much I want to say other than when I set out I was so damned naive. And maybe those reading it knew I had so much to get through. If I'd known then what I know now, I don't think I would have started writing it all down.

So what have I learned? What do I want to pass on to anyone who might find themselves in the same position?

I've learned what true friendship means. Cliqued maybe, but I know who my true friends are. I've lost a couple along the way but there are many who have stepped up above and beyond the conventional norms of friendship. Kind words and simple actions mean so much to me and I thank every one of you who has taken the time to phone, text, email, turn up on my doorstep or leave me a message. Put simply, I am still here because you cared.

I believed that life/God/the universe would give me what I needed/deserved. Wow, I must have been a very good girl in a previous life! I truly wasn't looking for it and I kissed a few frogs along the way but I found someone who really gets me. My soulmate. I haven't said much about him publicly but there are a few of you who know the gory details ;-)

And I found my exercise thing! Ok, the fucking whooping cough got in the way but triathlon training really suits me. I love it. I will complete a triathlon this year, I'm just not gonna make too public.

So this is it. Thanks for your support, the laughs, the advice, everything. I'm still on FB so anyone who wants to know what I'm doing can be my friend there. I'm still on the CL forum. But I'm taking a step back from the ultra scene. You know why. But my WHW family will always be in my heart.

My life is good and will keep on getting better.

So, what else to say? Nothing except love to you all.

Ali xxxxxxxxx

Bye bye Honda

2011-05-05T16:54:00.000+01:00

Those of you unfortunate enough to know me IRL know of the on going saga I have had concerning a certain Honda dealership. On Tuesday I experienced the final straw which made me decide I was ending my long relationship with Honda (4 CRVs and an Accord estate) and changing my car for a smaller more economical one.

It wasn't a rash decision as I had already done my research to downsize to either a Ka or an Aygo. I went for a look in the Ford garage on Tuesday morning and drove home a shiny new Ka this afternoon. Cheaper insurance, lower petrol costs and £20 road tax. Can't argue with that.

So why have I spent the last 10 mins greeting?? (Shut up BDTP!!!) It's only a box with 4 wheels and an engine to take me from A to B. I've been talking and thinking about the changes in my life for over 7 months, so why am I caught out now they're actually happening? Weird.

So, next thing to do is get a bike rack fitted. And does anyone have any suggestions as to how to get an arthritic Golden Retriever in and out of a Ka??

Bounce!

2011-04-28T17:01:00.000+01:00

I'm delighted to report that I've finally got my bounce back. For the first time in 6 weeks I actually feel good again. Not quite 100% but good enough to have been out a run twice this week and hopefully tomorrow I'll get out on my bike. Still no idea if the tri is doable but I've entered a few other events over the summer to give me something to aim for. And I've entered my first half marathon! Gotta do something to get that half a stone back off!!

Life is good again :-) xxx

Where did it go??

2011-04-17T22:17:00.000+01:00

Something happened to me this week. Not quite sure how or why but I seem to have all the confidence sucked out of me. And no amount of arse kicking from the usual suspects has helped.

Training for the triathlon gave me a focus. It gave me something else to think about. Frankly, it filled my head and pushed out the other crap that is in there. Without it, I have no motivation to do anything.

I have been asked loads of times this week if I'm still going to take part. I honestly don't know. It's not looking good. A month without any swimming, cycling or running isn't really the best prep for any event. And a month without any serious exercise has meant that I've put on half a stone. Not great for boosting confidence either.

I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm just expressing surprise that I feel this way about it. Kinda unexpected that I'm crumbling at a time when I really should be getting better at handling everything that life is throwing at me.

Whoop!

2011-04-11T20:18:00.001+01:00

The epitaph on the above grave stone reads "Duirt mé leat go raibh mé breoite" which is Irish for "I told you I was ill." It can be found in the grounds of St Thomas, Winchelsea, East Sussex and is the resting place of comedy genius Spike Milligan.

For a month now I've been moaning, whinging and complaining that I was ill. Today I found out that I've got whooping cough. A classic case apparently. So my apologies to anyone I've hugged, snogged or shared a bedroom with in the last month as it's fairly contagious in the first few weeks.

Training seriously is off the agenda. I'm supposed to rest (and take the drugs!) in order to recover fully which could take 3 months. I can do gentle exercise but not to get breathless. It's less than 8 weeks to the tri but if I'm not fit to take part I won't. I learned that lesson doing the NYC marathon! There are loads of other events I can take part in.

I've got loads of other stuff on my plate right now so need to concentrate on some of those. I'm also forcing myself to sit down and watch TV while knitting. Doesn't quite give me the same buzz but better to live and fight another day.

Low

2011-04-08T21:41:00.000+01:00

Sometimes no matter how hard I try to be positive and proactive, there are days when I just don't want to do this any more. Today was one of those days. I am so tired of doing this on my own. I'm tired of people telling me it will get better or it will sort itself out in the end. Tired of the 'keep your chin up' and 'you're doing just great' comments. My chin is on the floor and I'm not doing great. I'm struggling. I'm tired.

I know it's probably just a post viral low. And I know it's probably due to a lack of exercise. I can't do anything about either of these things right now. I'm still bloody coughing and wheezing. I don't have time to still be ill.

Another busy week!

2011-04-03T21:11:00.000+01:00

Oh wow! What a week!! On Monday I had to give in and go to the doctor. For the first time in about 20 years I needed antibiotics as I have a nasty chest infection. So that's now 2 weeks without any training. Yikes!! Everyone keeps telling me I'll be fine but it's now only 9 weeks until tri day!!!!! I tried to go for a power walk yesterday but barely lasted a mile and came back breathless and wheezing. Getting a bit pissed off with it now.

In other news, No1 son moved out on Wednesday. It turned out to be relatively painfree. For him! Luckily my lovely mum came up to help me get him packed up. A man with a big lorry turned up and he was moved out of here and into his wee flat in Crieff by lunchtime. He loves it. And No3 son loves it too as there is a wee second bedroom just for him!

The weekend brought the MacPirate engagement party. Two very special people in my life got engaged on Christmas Day and had a bit of a do in Tyndrum last night to celebrate. I tried really hard to keep up with them but both nights I ended up in bed hours before everyone else. Either I'm too old to party ALL weekend or I'm out of practice!

But it was a fab weekend, catching up with old friends, putting faces to names and making new friends. It was lovely to see you all.

To Lee and Dave - wishing you all the love and happiness you both deserve

Ali xxx

PS What do you think Dave is saying to Lee?????

Sick

2011-03-27T11:51:00.000+01:00

For the first time in a very long time I'm sick. I can't remember when I was last ill for more than 48 hours. I've had this damned thing for 10 days now and I don't think I'm over the worst yet. Stupidly I've tried to keep going and kept appointments and arrangements that in hindsight I should have cancelled. So I'm doing that now. It's a glorious day out there and I should be in Perth supporting my friends. Instead I'm back in bed feeling very sorry for myself.

So 10 weeks until tri day. I've done no training for 8 days and looks like I won't be doing much this week either. Right now I'm too knackered to care.

Worst birthday ever?

2011-03-22T20:11:00.000Z

Being ill on your birthday really sucks. I had a few plans for today but it was obvious on Sunday night that the bit of a cold I thought I had was really a nasty soul sucking virus. And even allowing myself yesterday to be ill wasn't enough to beat the bugger. So I'm ill on my birthday.

I can live with that. I can wait to celebrate that and a few other things ;-) What I'm really pissed off about is that I can't train! Who woulda thunk????

2011-03-20T15:43:00.000Z

Oh dear! I've turned into one of those bloggers who only blogs once a week and just records the details of their runs etc. Oooops!

This past week was week 1 of the rough training plan I'm following. Part Joe Friel, part Clark and part whatever the hell I can fit into my hectic life. It really isn't as easy as I thought!

Sun - run with Gordy
Mon - swim session
Tues - run with Clark
Wed - bike session on turbo trainer
Thurs - weights session
Fri - REST!!
Sat - swim + bike combo session

There is so much else going on right now that I actually had to look up my diary to remind me what I'd done this week. It feels like I just had endless meetings, some important and some just a plain waste of time! I was also part of an interview panel which was an interesting experience.

But the big news here is that No1 son David is moving out. HOORAY!!!! He's got a flat in Crieff and gets the keys on Friday. Although he's looking forward to it, he's a bit stressed as he's just starting realise there are loads of things he's going to be responsible for by himself. He'll be fine.

So it will be just me and Gordy rattling round the house ourselves. It will be strange for a while but I expect we'll get used to it pretty quickly. Then the process of selling this house and buying myself a new one will begin.

12 weeks to go!

2011-03-13T15:09:00.000Z

Last night it hit me that it's now only 12 weeks until my triathlon! Everything I've read suggests that 12 is the magic number of weeks that a beginner needs to train and successfully complete a triathlon. Well, that's the theory. Putting it into practice is another matter. My head is spinning trying to figure out how to fit in the recommended 6 to10 sessions a week AND still have rest days. Obviously that means 2 sessions in one day but how can I fit that into an already jam packed life? Other people seem to manage so I know it can be done.

So bearing in mind that I have to seriously up my game and 'encouraged' by Bob this morning, I went for a run in the snow while it was actually snowing with No3 son (Gordy) and Lucydog. This is not something I would ever have considered doing before. I'm a fairweather runner by nature! But I have to grudgingly admit it was fun (although having a bacon butty before a run is not a good idea!!)

As usual the run back up the hill was tough (see above!) but Gordy is a brilliant coach in the making. He shouts stuff like "Come on Mum, you can do it!" and "You're nearly there, the last bit is the hardest!" He's nearly 13 but so far is happy to run with his mum. I know that will change but for now he's happy to stick to my (slow) pace and run ahead then sprint back to me. Fortunately he has inherited his dad's running talent and not mine!

This picture is us at the end (note our matching Strathearn Harriers hats!) I'm exhausted but he's fresh as a daisy. And look at his smile!

Mmm, peas!

2011-03-08T17:58:00.000Z

I've got a bloody running injury!!! Right knee was a wee bit sore after Saturday's run and Sunday's swim. Yesterday was a rest day but nothing hurt and I didn't even mention to Clark this morning that it had been sore.

We did a trail run this morning which involved running up some hills then walking or jogging back down them only to turn round and run back up them. I'm rather pleased that I was able to run up them all! And I only felt sick, didn't actually barf (although it was a close thing!!)

So it's out with the frozen peas and sitting on the bed with them on my sore puffy knee. Maybe it means I'm a real runner now!

Hatrick!

2011-02-26T13:27:00.001Z

Harriers jogging back down the hill

I was brave and did the club session this morning giving me a hatrick of runs for the week. I nearly turned back to the car when they set off up the hill to get to the hill they were training on! It was billed as a hill speed session but I ignored the speed bit and did my own version of the reps. They ran for 2 minutes up the hill and jogged back down while I ran for 1 minute, walked for 1 minute and jogged back. We did that 8 times and I didn't die.

View down to golf club

It was a cracking Spring morning with clear (ish) blue skies. It was just lovely to be out and to be in good company. We started off with 11 runners and a dog but by the time we jogged back down to the cars only 7 remained. I'm extremely chuffed I managed a proper club session (sort of!)

Last night's meal - spag bol!

Yeah, I know it's pasta!! Lol! First pasta I've eaten in months and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I think all this running has affected my brain ;-)

More running!

2011-02-22T16:57:00.000Z

Blimey, second running report in 2 days. Maybe I'm taking this seriously after all! I can't even moan and say that Clark dragged me out. I was the one texting him last night asking excitedly where we were going! We ran up the wee road from the A9 at Greenloaning towards Sherrifmuir. It's a nasty hilly road!!

Halfway point at the cattle grid, I look knackered!

I have to say Clark is very encouraging. Whenever I start to flag he shouts stuff like "Mush!" or "Wait!" or "Here!" I'm never quite sure if he's talking to his dog or me!! And as for that whistle..........

Just a few more yards to go!

Total time 59 mins 48 secs, not quite 5 miles but I'm rounding it up and counting it as 5! Wee bit of walking on the way up but ran all the way down. Slow miles like Fi says but miles nonetheless. Rather chuffed with myself even though I can hardly move tonight. And not quite the bliss Bob talks about but this training malarky is actually enjoyable :-)

A different mindset

2011-02-20T14:00:00.000Z

I know that no one will ever pick up running tips from reading this blog even though JK has kindly put me on the WHW blog roll. In fact, I'm not sure if anyone picks up any tips on anything but I hope that if you take the time to read my ramblings you are at least amused or get an inkling of the workings inside my head!

I ran (nearly) 4 miles this morning. Not far compared to the distances many of my friends can run but a good run for me. Especially as it included a bit of a walk/run up Laggan Hill in Crieff.

Halfway up looking back

Halfway looking up and thinking 'Shit, it's steeper than I thought!'

I managed to run wee bits of it but one day I hope to be able to run all the way up it. In fact, I'm going to say that one day soon I WILL run all the way up. That's how much my mindset has changed over the last few months.

My shoes are muddier than Gordy's shoes!

Post run snack of chicken, bacon, tomatoes and guacamole on white toast!!

I have a lot of friends who are good runners and for years I've always felt inadequate that I couldn't just knock out 10ks and half marathons easily. But now that I've found something I believe in, I'm training in a completely different way and I find that I'm no longer comparing myself to anyone else. I'm doing it my way and I like the confidence it's given me. Not just in running, cycling or swimming but in all areas of my life. Corny maybe but definitely a different mindset.

10

2011-02-19T15:02:00.000Z

It's just a number but that wee teeny tiny label inside my new dress makes me smile. I knew I'd dropped a dress size because a lot of my clothes are simply too big. But when I went shopping yesterday with a friend I was thrilled to find that I had to go down another size.

Just something else to chuck into the melting pot of good stuff going on in my life :-)

1 in 8

2011-02-15T22:45:00.000Z

New figures published on World Cancer Day (4th Feb) showed that breast cancer rates in the UK have increased by 3.5 per cent in 10 years with 47,700 women diagnosed with the disease in 2008 compared with 42,400 in 1999. That's means 1 in every 8 women.

Dr Rachel Greig, Senior Policy Officer at Breakthrough Breast Cancer, said:

"These figures are a wake up call and should not be ignored. More women are developing breast cancer and, although survival is improving thanks to breakthroughs in breast awareness, screening and treatment, we clearly have much further to go. A two pronged attack is needed - commitment to research into the causes of breast cancer, supported by women arming themselves with knowledge of the risks that may contribute to the disease.

Some risk factors, such as getting older, cannot be changed but the good news is that others can. By drinking less, maintaining a healthy weight and getting physically active, women can reduce their risk of developing breast cancer."

I have blogged about my brush with breast cancer. I was one of the lucky ones. That's why I'm taking part in a triathlon. By (trying to) drink less alcohol, keeping my weight at a healthy level and training properly for the tri I'm reducing my personal risk. But for the 1 in 8, I want to help raise awareness and funds to make that 1 woman's journey a bit easier.

I've signed up to Breakthrough Breast Cancer's £1000 challenge. Please help me raise money for a worthwhile cause. Don't bring me flowers or wine. Don't give me a birthday present. Donate a few pounds to this charity instead. I've put a clicky linky on the right.

Thanks

Ali xxx

First Cycle

2011-02-14T17:13:00.001Z

I love cycling! I love my Delilah! But I don’t love having sore lady bits!!! Ouchy........ ;-)

As you can see from the photos I wasn’t wearing proper cycling gear. You’ll be pleased to note that a pair of super duper padded cycling shorts are currently winging their way towards Perthshire (I love wiggle.com!) My plan was just to have a bit of a meander round Stirling Uni campus to get the hang of being back on 2 wheels after a rather long time. But after 10 minutes I seemed to have remembered what to do so we went round the campus a couple of times and even went on the main road a wee bit. We ended up cycling for about an hour and a half. Hence the ouchy bits!

Starting and stopping is a bit of a problem (LOL!!) but I got the hang of changing gears and even managed up a few hills without stopping. And jeez, getting passed by cars and buses is very scary!!!

My legs are covered in scratches and bruises from the pedals, from the chain, from lifting Delilah into my car. Not very sexy when I'm trying to look like a girl in a dress and Jimmy Choos but I'm loving every minute of it. Tim left me a comment on FB that said 'You're a triathlete now' which made me cry. But I'm starting to think of myself as a triathlete. And I like it! :-) xxx

My, my, my Delilah

2011-02-11T18:15:00.001Z

Meet Delilah. Isn’t she pretty? Delilah arrived 10 days ago but I’m afraid I didn’t let her out of her box for a week (don’t ask!!) And then when I did she needed her handlebars and pedals attached. So I waited a few more days and then did that today. I also bought myself a helmet and gloves. So, there’s nothing stopping me going out a cycle now. I think I’m ready. I know I’ll fall off but once I’ve done it, it won’t feel so scary. Right?

No more excuses. I’ve got everything I need now (except a nose clip for swimming, don’t ask!!!) so tri training just got cranked up a notch. Eeeek!

I did my first proper trail run this week. And got my pretty pink shoes all dirty. 3 days later I’m still scrubbing the mud out my toenails (thanks Clark!) and I have a bruise the size of a tennis ball on my calf (thanks Cori!!) I was extremely chuffed that I managed to run most of it including the hills! Legs were rather sore the next day but I’m definitely getting fitter.

I didn’t swim last night cos I was feeling poorly yesterday so I need to get myself to the pool for a session on my own at some point. My ears and throat have been sore but I’m sure it’s just the bug/virus that seems to have swept Crieff. I’m pretty healthy and don’t seem to get ill to the same degree as other people. I just feel grotty for a day or 2 and then it quickly passes.

In other news, my OU course officially started this week. And I’m loving it, loving it, loving it! So far I’ve been looking at the words and music of Hey Jude, Bjork’s ‘Undo,’ The Streets ‘Dry Your Eyes’ and Stevie Wonder’s ‘Have a talk with God.’ All brilliant tracks. Next up is some ecclesiastical stuff. It’s going to be a very interesting course.

Woohoo hunting has been going well. In fact, not doing any actual hunting right now. You all know what I'm talking about right? ;-) Not taking it too seriously and just having a lovely time.

So a busy week comes to an end and an equally busy weekend looms. I’ll be glad when Monday comes and I get a long lie as it’s half term.

What's age got to do with it?

2011-02-04T15:59:00.001Z

People come in and out of our lives through work, through hobbies, through our kids, through mutual friends. Some stick around for years and others are with us briefly. All of them leave an impression, some a bigger impression than others. I was lucky enough to meet someone recently who has left a huge impression on me although it was a classic case of wrong time, wrong place.

But since I believe everything happens for a reason and I no longer need the answers to the big questions, I am at peace with it. I am happier as a result and more confident than I’ve ever been. As long as I learn from each experience, it’s never a bad thing.

So what have I learned recently? I’ve discovered that right now I am the fittest, healthiest and happiest I’ve ever been in my entire adult life. I feel good and I look good. And I’m aware that sounds big headed but like many women I’ve spent years putting my loved ones first and not looked after myself. I’ve come to realise that taking care of my health and wanting to look my best is not conceited, egotistical or selfish. I’ve put myself back at the top of my list.

Women are programmed by nature to be nurturers and think that by making our partners and children happy, we’ll be happy. It doesn’t work like that. There’s a lot of scientific and medical research on hormones and stuff I could quote to support this but you’ll be pleased to note I won’t! (although if anyone is interested read some of Dr Christiane Northrup’s work)

Women in their forties (often referred to as women of a certain age!!!) are more likely to come out of long term relationships and drastically change their lives. I’ve spent the last year focussing on my health and fitness. Now I’m focussing on my well being which includes woohoo hunting! ;-) And that is what is changing my life. I’ve always understood that exercise boosts your mood and self confidence. It just never worked for me. Now it is and that is the difference. I’m doing things that even a month ago I just didn’t have the confidence to do!

And other people are starting to notice the difference in me too. In the last 24 hours I’ve been told I look happier now than I did last summer and that I look 15 years younger today than I did in September (so did I look nearly 60 then or do I look 30 now???)

So, what’s age got to do with it? Nothing! The number of candles on your birthday cake matters less than your attitude to life. Right now I’m in the prime of my life. I’m having fun. I’m taking care of me and loving every minute :-) xxx

Man

2011-01-31T12:30:00.001Z

Man is a woman's best friend.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do - live without fear, forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels that she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No wait...... sorry.......

I'm thinking of wine.

It's wine that does all that for a woman.

Sorry.

(Thanks Ellen xxx)

Pretty in pink

2011-01-30T17:55:00.000Z

I put on my new pretty pink trail shoes this morning and went out a run. It was my first run in about 3 or 4 months. My aim was just to run/walk for about about 25 minutes just to see how I felt. I felt great. In fact I managed to run most of the way. My plan was to run across the moor, down the road to the fish farm, along the wee road towards Gleneagles for a bit and then back round. But a hard frost made the tarmac road really slippery so I just ran across the fields instead. It was fantastic! And so far nothing is sore so it's all good.

Swimming isn't going as well as I'd hoped by now. I've developed a new habit of inhaling water up my nose every time I turn my head to breath. I had to keep stopping to cough it back up! Not even my new trisuit and goggles made me feel better (think I should get a medal just for being able to get into the damned suit!!) but everyone keeps assuring me it will all just click into place. I hope it happens sooner rather than later!!

And I've ordered my bike! Huge thanks to Clark for his research on my behalf. The man is a saint for putting up with my endless daft questions. In the end I went for a Giant Defy 4. The nice man at Wiggle phoned me on Friday to say it's being built and will be sent out this week hopefully. Huge thanks to my lovely mum for my belated Christmas present :-)

So, a whole post on tri training. Hmm, need to think of a frivolous topic for my next post. I've got a funny feeling I just might have some material ;-)

Questions and Answers

2011-01-26T17:54:00.001Z

For months now I've been driving myself nuts (and everyone else!) with endless questions. How am I going to get through this? What am I going to do? Why has this happened to me? When will my life get better? I was convinced that if someone could just tell me the answers then everything would be ok. Then came the realisation that I had to find the answers for myself. And even though I tried really hard to work them out I just couldn't answer those pesky questions.

So I did something totally radical (for me) I stopped asking questions. It was as simple as that. I just stopped.

And do you know what? Once I stopped frantically looking for the answers to what were essentially unanswerable questions, the answers came to me. Not magical solutions that made my life instantly better but more like small reassurances that everything is working out. I just hadn't noticed.

A few days ago I went back to the beginning of this blog and re read every post. I feel like I am a totally different person now. The intention was to leave a record of the journey I found myself taking. The destination was (and still is) unknown but already the journey has been an interesting one. Could anyone have predicted that I'd be in training for triathlon right now? Or that I'd be getting excited about studying opera and jazz?

The time and energy wasted in chasing those elusive answers is now being put to better use. And I feel lighter. I didn't realise that carrying those questions around was crushing me. I can breath again.

Love the skin you're in

2011-01-23T09:29:00.002Z

Being fair skinned and freckly has made me very careful with my skin over the years. I use a face cream with a SPF of 15 all year round. In the summer I never go out without sunscreen and in the winter I moisturise like it's an Olympic event.

So adding regular chlorine baths into my training routine has sent my skin into overdrive. And not in places where it's easy to cover up. Oh no, in highly visible places. Wearing a burka is looking like a good option right now. Any tips from regular swimmers or those with delicate skin gratefully received.

Swimming is going well I think. My coach thinks I'm progressing (doing lengths now) but I think I'm actually getting worse. Maybe it has to get worse before it gets better! There is so much to think about that I often forget to kick or breath because I'm focusing so much on my head position or arms. It's like patting your head while rubbing your tummy and counting backwards from one million in Swahili! Aaaaaargh!!!!

On the academic front my OU materials have arrived. I am going to love this course (AA317 Words and Music if anyone wants to look it up) I do have a wee bit of a musical background in that I played the cello and piano in the school orchestra. I have sung in various choirs and I love a good karaoke session! Ok, that last one won't help but I can follow a score. And I love music. All kinds of music except for jazz but I'm open to being introduced to its delights.

I had a wee bit of abuse on FB this week over my musical tastes! I have admitted they are a bit eclectic and like to listen to stuff according to my mood. For me Lady Gaga and Girls Aloud sit comfortably on my playlist with Kings of Leon, Elvis Costello, Meatloaf and the cast of Glee.

In fact everything in my life right now sits comfortably. I'm in a very happy place. I love the skin I'm in :-) xxx

Annual Ceilidh

2011-01-16T16:04:00.000Z

Yes the snow is melting at last but unfortunately it's got nowhere to go. This was the scene at 4pm last night on my bend and there were reports locally about roads being closed, abandoned cars and general flooding chaos in and around Crieff. Normally this wouldn't have bothered me as I would be curled up on the sofa BUT it was the annual Strathearn Harriers ceilidh at The Famous Grouse Experience (or the Grouse Factory as someone's mum described it!)

So I got my posh frock on, packed an overnight bag (just in case I got stranded in Crieff) and set off picking up Kaz and Al on route. It was a bit hairy in places but we made it safely to TFGE.

It was a fab night. Just the right amount of speeches (thanks Kaz for announcing my triathlon to the world, no pressure then!!!), good food, great company, wild dancing (I nearly crashed into the band during a wild Gay Gordon with a very wild partner!!) and fun games. And I was on the diet coke all night. I think this was my first ever sober ceilidh and it was still fun ;-)

Woohoooo

2011-01-13T14:58:00.001Z

On Sunday morning I went next door for brunch with my best friend. By the way he’s 4. I’ve known him all his life. We talk about everything! The weather (very snowy), travelling (he’s just back from a trip to Arizona), running (he’s an excellent runner and jumper especially off the back of sofas), clothes (he thinks I look pretty in skirts), money (he’s rich), how will I get my car out of the snow (borrow some elephants from the zoo to push it out). You name it, he’s got an informed opinion on it. I can ask him anything and he gives me an honest opinion. That’s what you need in a best friend. He has a zest for life that is so infectious you wish you could bottle it and keep it for those down moments.

Yesterday a friend put on FB that her 5 year old son opened the curtains to find yet more snow had fallen through the night and exclaimed “Woohoooo!” All the adults are so weary of this snow but he’s just looking for the fun. His mum reckons we should go on a woohoooo hunt!

Fun, woohoooo, zest for life, call it what you like but kids have it in abundance. I think I’ve forgotten how to have fun. But I’ve made a couple of important decisions in the last 48 hours that will definitely put the fun back in my life.

To misquote Michael Rosen (parents and teachers know who he is)

“I’m going on a woohoooo hunt
I’m going to catch a big one
What a beautiful day
I’m not scared
Uh-uh!”

Makes me smile :-)

Ali x

Randoms

2011-01-12T10:56:00.001Z

Just a few random catch up things to report. I've actually entered my first triathlon. Yikes!! Now I have a target to train towards. It's the Stirling Novice Tri on 5th June. It's a pool swim so don't need to invest in a wetsuit. Stick the date in your diary and feel free to come and watch me make a complete idiot of myself. I can't believe after years of supporting you lot at events I'm asking you to come and support me.

I've changed my OU course. Due to 2 of my completed psychology modules being updated before I finish my degree I would have to re do the new versions. That would take yet another 2 years finishing in 2014 and a small fortune. But if I change to an open BA hons they will still count and I'll be finished next summer. No brainer. So I'm about to start AA317 Words and Music, a course looking at everything from opera to tribal songs at the end of the month followed by Advanced Creative Writing starting in October Can't wait!

And yep we've had a ton of snow dumped on us again. It does make everything look wonderful when the sun is out. This is my regular dog walk route just over my backyard fence. But digging yourself out every morning makes life very wearing.

A bike is a bike, right?

2011-01-08T19:24:00.000Z

Apparently not! Until recently all I was worrying about was keeping my general level of fitness up to scratch with a bit of running here and there when my back felt ok. When I decided to do a triathlon I knew the first thing I would have to do is get my swimming fitness back to a decent level. And way at the end of the list of things to 'get round to' was the bike factor.

So now I've got the swimming sorted it's time to look at bikes. How hard can it be to buy a bike???

Pretty difficult actually. I must admit that I had a bit of a panic moment this morning reading my trusty Joe Friel book when he talks about the pros and cons of each type of bike. Each type?? There's only so much you can do with 2 wheels, a frame, a saddle and handlebars, isn't there?

I am reliably informed that I need a compact road bike, whatever that is. So I go online and have a look at some websites. Eeeeek! I could buy a small car for that amount of money. And I still can't tell the difference between each type!

Can you tell the difference between these 4 different types?

It just got serious

2011-01-07T09:44:00.001Z

Don't faint with shock but this post actually has info about my training! No spreadsheets though ;-)

I survived my first proper swim session for 32 years. Survived being the key word here. Thankfully I had been warned that it wouldn't be easy so I went with an open mind thinking at least someone will be telling me what I'm doing wrong. Let's just say there's scope for massive improvement.

The good bit first. Actually there was no good bit. I'm not kicking from my hips, my feet are too close together, I'm lifting my head out the water to breath instead of turning, my head is too high in the water, I swallowed half the pool and could only manage widths not lengths. And we didn't even start on my arms!!

But it was really good. It's the first time I've ever seen a swim coach actually in the water. She was right beside me the whole time and was really encouraging. I'm starting to believe I can do this :-)

So what else did I learn yesterday?

*Training twice a day is a killer. I can barely lift the kettle this morning.

*Don't get my hair highlighted on a swimming day as chlorine can turn blond highlights into a lovely shade of green. Fortunately I did not need to try the ketchup remedy!

*Take 10p coins for the hairdryer (very important) and a 50p for the locker

*When wearing swimsuit to pool remember to take underwear for afterwards (rookie mistake!)

*Need industrial strength body lotion as my poor skin is already suffering with the cold weather and now it's going to be bathed regularly in chlorine

*Remove all traces of mascara even if it's supposed to be waterproof before entering pool or risk looking like Courtney Love coming out

Yep, the tri training just got serious :-)

Why?

2011-01-05T18:59:00.000Z

Every now and then someone will ask me why I’ve talked about a particular topic on this blog. I could say why not? People keep a blog for different reasons. My other blog was to share info about supporting runners in ultra events with a bit about my life thrown in. This blog is my personal journey through some very difficult times. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. I don’t mind.

When I started writing I said I wanted it to be a record of my journey. I wanted to be able to look back and measure how far I’d travelled. I was writing it for me although I knew that my friends would be reading it too. I sometimes go back and read the early posts and think how naive I was. I genuinely had no idea how bad it would get.

So why did I write about hitting rock bottom yesterday? I hoped that it might help someone else one day. So many people have said lovely things about how they think I’m amazing or inspirational. I’m really not. Some days I struggle to get out of bed, some days I don’t eat, some days I don’t do any housework (ok that’s not a new thing!!) I’m just trying to make sense of stuff that doesn’t actually make sense to me. Writing it down helps me look at it in a different light. Not everything I write makes it on to the blog!

And if I hadn’t gone public with a lot of stuff (here and on FB) then I wouldn’t get the brilliant emails, texts and FB messages that I get. Sometimes people just want me to know they’re thinking about me, sometimes they share their experiences and what helped them. And sometimes I get the TTFU ones too! It all makes a huge difference.

This morning I had 2 lovely emails waiting for me. One told me a very inspiring story and the other told me something that really made my day. In fact I’m still smiling! Taking a few minutes to tell someone you’re thinking about them can change their day.

So, down to business. First proper swim session tomorrow with someone who is going to help me with my technique. Eeeeek! This might just turn into a training blog if I can work out how to do the spreadsheet thingy ;-) xxx

Even Pollyanna had bad days!

2011-01-04T17:30:00.001Z

My mantra of late has been to stay focused on the positive things in my life. Whenever I have a bit of a wobble I do try to find something positive about the situation. In fact I've been channelling Pollyanna so much I have even annoyed myself! No one can be positive ALL the time, can they? Even Pollyanna struggled to find something to be glad about after her accident!

Well, I recently had a bit of a wobble. In fact, it's fair to say I fell off the positive wagon in a rather spectacular manner. And fell into a deep dark place that quite frankly I didn't want to return from. It was a bit scary down there. But a couple of good people pulled me out, kicked my arse and reminded me that I could do anything I want.

The good thing about hitting rock bottom is that you can only go up. I recently watched a rare JK Rowling interview. She talked about the lowest point in her life when she was a struggling single mum and had no idea how she was going to cope. Looking back she now recognises that "Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life." Look at her now!

I'm re building my life from the bottom up. I've declared that today is the start of my new year. And my new life. Happy New Year! xxx

Goodbye 2010

2010-12-31T11:24:00.000Z

Never measure the height of a mountain until you have reached the top. Then you will see how low it was.

It would be really easy to say 2010 was a horrible year but I’m not going to dwell on the negatives. I have a sort of guru. He is a very wise man. He tells me to look for the positive in everything. And sometimes I have to look damned hard! But he’s right. So instead of moaning about the bad stuff, here’s a word or two about the good stuff.

This year I got fit thanks to my personal torturer. I finally found something that worked for me and I stuck at it. Ok, in the beginning I would come home afterwards and lie on the couch for hours. I fell off everything you could fall off and couldn’t do a press up to save my life. But slowly month by month I improved. And now I’m actually going to train for a triathlon!

This year I got a clean bill of health. It was more than a little bit scary at the time but the end result means I start 2011 knowing I am healthy. And it’s given me the motivation to fund raise for a worthy cause.

This year I lost a lot of weight. Maybe not in the healthiest way but remember I’m looking for the positives!

This year I listened to my inner voice. For a long time I had been ignoring it because I didn’t want to hear what it was saying. But I took that leap and learned that my instincts are good.

This year I discovered I had amazing friends. I always knew I had a great bunch of people around me but they really stepped up and held me up when I couldn’t stand. They made me believe I can do this on my own. And do it well.

So goodbye 2010. I'm off to climb that mountain in 2011 and I won't be looking down until I reach the top!

Ali xxx

Slow cooked beef chilli with chocolate

2010-12-27T10:00:00.000Z

Finally got round to typing this up. It's based on a Lisa Faulkener recipe. Wee bit faffy in the prep but once it's in the oven you can forget it and it freezes brilliantly. Can post empananda and chimichanga recipes too if anyone is interested!

Enjoy!

Slow cooked beef chilli with chocolate

1.5kg cubed braising steak

1 chorizo sausage cut into chunks

2 tins chopped tomatoes

4 garlic cloves, crushed

2 large onions, chopped

2 tsp all spice

2 tsp ground cumin

2 tsp cayenne pepper

¼ tsp dried chilli (or more to taste)

1 bay leaf

2 tbsp tomato ketchup

2 tbsp sugar

3 tbsp balsamic vinegar

½ bottle of red wine

50g dark chocolate (72%)

1 can red kidney beans (drained and rinsed)

Brown steak in batches in a large frying pan.

Drain and set aside.

Brown chorizo in a little oil until it releases its own oils.

Drain and add to steak but reserve oil.

Fry onions and garlic in chorizo oil for a few minutes.

Add spices, ketchup, sugar and vinegar.

Return steak and chorizo to pan and mix well.

Add red wine and bring to the boil.

Remove from heat and add chocolate, stirring until melted.

Put in a covered casserole and put in oven at 130 degrees C for 2 hours.

Add kidney beans and return to oven for further 45 mins.

Serve with rice, soured cream and tortilla chips.

Peace

2010-12-23T16:22:00.000Z

In life we don't always get what we want or deserve. It's no different at this time of year when we're bombarded with images of happy families and the perfect Christmas. But it's only a day. One single day out of a whole year. So I'm not going to get upset about it. I'm looking for the positives.

My family is healthy. My family is safe. They are contactable if I need them or they need me. I have everything and everyone I want right here. I am a lucky girl.

So to everyone who reads this blog and has supported me through the last 3 months I thank you and wish you peace this Christmas, whatever you're doing and wherever you are.

Ali xxx

The Kindness of Strangers

2010-12-19T17:54:00.000Z

Last night when I went to bed I just knew that I would be getting up to a major problem today. I originally thought that I had a problem with the storage heaters in my living room and sun room. But on waking this morning it was clear that I had no heating throughout the house and that the Aga hadn't charged overnight.

Now being a practical sorta gal I knew that it was either a job for an electrician or my electricity supplier. I checked everything that could be checked by a lay person. For 24 years I've always been the one who sorted out most of the practical stuff so this shouldn't really have thrown me. But it did and I'm afraid there were tears before lunchtime!

For many reasons, this week has been a tough one but it was pointed out to me rather forcefully that I'm not good at asking for help or even accepting it when it's offered. Point noted. So I asked for help. Thank you to everyone who gave me advice and the phone numbers of electricians they had used. I duly phoned every one and left messages explaining my plight. I'm still waiting for a return call from every single one!!

Thanks to Tim who lives in Ayr who thought of someone who lived in my area who had an electrical background who also happened to be a runner who might be able to help. Enter Bob. Bob answered my phone call immediately, took my address and said 'I'll be there shortly.' He was here within 20 mins! He was here for nearly 2 and a half hours! He worked in my freezing cold garage and went in and out of the snow storm to try and get my heating operational.

Long story short - my heating control panel is knackered. He literally flicked a switch and it fell off in his hand!!! But by some clever electrical magic he got 2/3 of my heating system operational. Woohoo!! Good news is I've got some heat in the living room and one bedroom but bad news is that it's temporarily wired to the more expensive day time tariff until I get a new heating control panel. And the Aga isn't working. But at least we won't freeze over Christmas if I can't persuade a heating engineer to pay a visit this week. And No1 son has a cooker in the annexe so I'll still be able to cook some turkey on Christmas Day.

But the most remarkable part of the story is that Bob lives in Blackford and was a very good friend of Dario. He's a runner and has been on a few training runs on the WHW although he's not into all that 'daft kind of running.' When he was leaving I asked him if he had my full address to send me a bill. He said he was just doing a favour for a friend.

The kindness of strangers is a powerful thing.

Brain Food

2010-12-14T18:44:00.000Z

One of the things I have been thinking about recently is whether I should finish my psychology degree with the OU. When I first started studying my intention was to become an educational psychologist but I quickly realised that I preferred working with children in a classroom setting. But recently I have been thinking about my future career and trying to work out if I want to stay in teaching or go in an other direction. I still haven't decided one way or the other yet, helped by the fact that there aren't enough teaching jobs!

But I have decided that I want to complete my degree. So starting next month (EEEK!!) I'm studying Social Psychology - critical perspectives on self and others. Catchy course title! It's a compulsory third level course (ie the hard honours bit) so my brain is going to get a bit of a shock! It also means that I've got something else to put on my CV when applying for jobs.

So in 2011 the triathlon will give me my health and fitness focus and studying will feed my brain. BRING IT ON!

Tex Mex Extravaganza

2010-12-13T21:00:00.000Z

I love tex mex style food. I've just spent the whole weekend filling my freezer with such goodies as slow cooked beef chilli with chocolate, chicken chimichangas, spicy pork and black bean empanadas and taco spiced minced beef. Like Chinese food, if prepared freshly from scratch it is healthy and economical as you can make a little meat go a long way. By adding lots of veggies and using beans you can healthily feed growing boys and runners (as long as you don't mind the accompanying wind!!)

Take the above plate, a chicken chimichanga and 3 wee empanadas with lettuce, tomato salsa and guacamole. Cost to make was well under £2 (most expensive item was probably the guacamole) but you would pay much more if you were eating out in a restaurant.

I have recently been accused of living extravagantly. I'm not quite sure how that adds up as I only shop at supermarkets. I don't buy clothes/shoes/champagne. I haven't been out for a meal in a restaurant since my wedding anniversary in July. I haven't been to the cinema or theatre or a concert all year. My one indulgence is food. I buy organic where I can, I buy ethically reared meat and I use Fair Trade and environmentally aware products wherever I have a choice. If that's extravagant then I make no apology for it. I will compromise in other areas to make up for it.

Food and eating has been difficult for me over the last 3 months. I'm so pleased that I have found my cooking mojo again and I have 2 delighted sons who look forward to something other than the dreaded pasta every night!

Dreams

2010-12-07T23:04:00.001Z

At the end of August I had the same dream 3 nights in a row.

I'm on a beach with a group of people on my right looking out to sea. I can't see anyone's face but I know them and feel loved by them.

A white yacht sails across the bay, not going out to sea but across the water from right to left. I notice that the yacht's name is HORSE. I turn to the man beside me and ask why it's called HORSE. He takes my hand and laughs. He says 'Alison, you know why it's called HORSE' and everyone else smiles and laughs with him. They're not laughing at me though.

I believe that dreams are significant. Yes, sometimes they're just a jumble of thoughts and events that your brain has processed in your waking hours. And sometimes it's cos you drank too much alcohol before going to bed! But since I'm interested in developing my spiritual side further I've taken a closer look at this dream. And with the benefit of hindsight many of the symbols in the dream are scarily accurate!

Small rowing boats suggest an emotional journey requiring a great deal of effort. A yacht suggests the same journey but with style (yep that's me!) The yacht in my dream is sailing across a bay. It's not really going anywhere and I'm just watching it. The sea is calm, representing a peaceful existence but we know that those under currents can sweep us away.

The yacht is called HORSE. Horses in dreams represent the vitality present in the dreamer. A white horse (represented by the white yacht) describes the spiritual awareness of the dreamer. And interestingly in Chinese astrology I was born in the year of the horse.

The people in my dream are obviously known to me but I cannot see their faces clearly. This doesn't worry me and the man taking my hand is reassuring me.

So what does it all mean? The dream on its own has several meanings but the fact that I dreamed this dream 3 nights in a row make it deeply significant. I truly believe my subconscious was telling me something that I wasn't yet aware of in my waking life. The surface of my life seemed calm and ordered but I didn't want to see what was really happening underneath. The people on the beach were my support network, holding my hand and telling me that I already had the strength/power/awareness within me to start my journey.

Timing is everything. I had that dream 1 month before I had the courage to voice my worries and start the journey I now find myself taking. So why am I telling you about it now?

Yesterday I had one of my aha moments. Something that has been worrying me suddenly became unimportant. And last night I dreamed that my white yacht sailed out of the bay. Seriously.

Ali x

Ok. Dave, Tim and George you can stop laughing at my mumbo jumbo shit now!!!! And probably Clark too.............

Press pause

2010-12-06T16:43:00.000Z

When your life isn't quite going in the direction you think it should, it may be wise to press the pause button for a wee while. Ideally I would like to press the fast forward button so I can be done with all the hard stuff but I guess a nature enforced pause is as good as I'm gonna get.

I've been snowed in for 10 days. I got my car out briefly on 2 occasions but with the road conditions round here it really wasn't a pleasant experience. Thankfully I'm a well prepared gal so we're not in any danger of starving or running out of loo rolls!

But this snow has made me really think about what I have to do in order to move on with my life. So I have been writing big long lists and drawing mind maps of what I would like to do and what I have to do. Fantasy v reality I suppose. I'm sure I've bored everyone to tears with my 'What am I going to do?' questions and I thank you for your patient responses reminding me that I'm the one who has to work it out for myself.

But I think I've got it figured out now. 2011 is going to be my year. Big changes are coming (details to follow) and I'm not scared of them any more. I'm ready to press the play button now.

Swim, Bike, Run, Laugh

2010-11-27T14:38:00.000Z

Yesterday my postie brought me this surprise present from a dear friend. Inside there was a wee note that said "When you're crying with pain/fatigue/sores, I hope this makes you smile." Eeeeeeeek!!!! I think the reality of this is sinking in. I am reminded of WHW race legend Alan Kay's comment in the DVD where he needs help getting out of the chair at Kinlochleven and says "This is gonna hurt."

I know this is gonna hurt! But undaunted I read the blurb on the back. I was just thinking this looks like an interesting book when I got to the bit where he describes lying on a couch with his finisher's medal round his neck and an IV tube in his arm. Double eeeeeeek!!!!

So, Chapter 1 is called Set Some Goals. "Your goals should be so big that when you tell your friends and family, they laugh at you." ACHIEVED!!!!!

Reactions have been mixed to be honest. Ranging from "I think that's a brilliant goal" to "Can you actually swim?" I thought long and hard about the type of challenge I wanted to set myself. I didn't want it to be easy. I consider myself very lucky to have been given a clean bill of health. But there are thousands of women out there who didn't get my good diagnosis. And I want to raise some money to help them. That's what will motivate me.

So I'll re learn how to swim properly again, I'll get on a bike for the first time in years, I'll get out there to run and figure out a way not to knacker my back. And if anyone wants to laugh then I hope they're laughing with me.

Thanks Debs. You really did make me smile xxx

The Third Option

2010-11-25T18:32:00.000Z

"A pessimist, they say, sees a glass of water as being half empty; an optimist sees the same glass as half full. But a giving person sees a glass of water and starts looking for someone who might be thirsty."

I've spent most of my life being a glass half empty kinda person. If you expect the worst then you're never disappointed.

I still have difficulty with the glass is half full philosophy too. There is still the same amount of water in the damn glass isn't there?

But the third option really floats my boat. Look for someone who needs that glass of water. Duh! It's that simple. It's not half full or half empty. It's not black or white. It's not about who's right or who's wrong.

Look for the third option xxx

Thanks!

2010-11-24T17:09:00.001Z

Aww, thanks everyone for your kind comments and not falling about laughing at the thought of me doing a triathlon! I really am committed to giving it a go.

Part of my thinking process made me remember the amazing woman that was Jane Tomlinson. She ran marathons and did triathlons while in the terminal stages of breast cancer. She raised millions and her family still raise a huge amount of money in her name. If she can do it so can I!

Most of you will know it's been a difficult week for me. I was sorely tempted to write about it here but I promised at the start of this blog I would not use it to grind an axe against Ian. I'm sorry to say I posted a status update on FB that I'm not proud of but I have now removed it. Thank you so much for all the supportive (and funny!!) comments but I hope you understand why I had to remove them.

This is just a wee setback. The big picture is still positive. It would be nice to have someone by my side to share all the good stuff that's going on in my life now. But I know one day I might be lucky enough to find someone who will stand by my side.

I have truly amazing friends. To those of you who take my sobbing phone calls at ridiculous hours of the night, I thank you from the bottom of my heart (again!) To those of you reply patiently and wisely to my hysterical texts, I thank you (again!) To those of you who take the time to leave me comments and send me emails and messages on FB, I thank you. A kind word and small acts of kindness go a long way. I hope to repay you all one day.

So......... Are you ready for me to start blogging about the boring minutiae of my triathlon training????

Awesome, inspiring and life changing?

2010-11-23T16:41:00.002Z

After last week’s good news from the hospital I started to think about making plans for the future. I’ve spent most of this year working hard to get my fitness level back to what it used to be. I’d started running again although it has been put on hold a bit these last 2 months due to my back being sore and not eating properly. But now I’ve got my mojo (and my appetite!) back, I have been thinking about doing something significant to raise money for a breast cancer charity. I was initially thinking of a running challenge but I’ve already done a marathon for charity. I needed to think outside the box.

So, on Friday night I went climbing at Ratho with the Harriers. Not the obvious choice for someone who has vertigo and can’t even climb up a step ladder to change a light bulb without shaking uncontrollably! But Phil and Liz M persuaded me it was a good idea to get out the house and even picked me up so I didn’t have to drive to Edinburgh.

As we drove into the car park there were banners proclaiming how the experience would be ‘awesome’ and ‘inspiring.’ We even laughed at the one that said ‘life changing.’ The sceptic in me thought that was a mighty claim for a wall!

Things didn’t get off to a great start when I saw the climbing arena through the floor length windows in the cafe. All the kids were leaning against the windows exclaiming how awesome it all looked. I couldn’t even go within 6 feet of the windows. I actually thought I was going to be sick. I hung back when the competent climbers were signing in their charges in the hope that there wouldn’t be anyone left to sign me in. But Phil didn’t let me get away with it! I was duly signed up, kitted out and frog marched down to the arena. I was the last one down!

If I’d only known then what I know now, I’d have been first in the queue to get signed in and would have been down there half an hour earlier! I can only describe it as an awesome, inspiring and life changing experience (cheesy I know but it was!) Apart from the first time I had to let go and come back down (I spun and hit the wall very hard!) I loved it. The height didn’t bother me, my legs were strong enough and my arms were fine. All that hard work with Clark was paying off. Not to mention the sheer determination that came from somewhere deep within me that not only could I do this but I could do it well. It truly was an awesome experience and one I am keen to repeat very soon.

So over the weekend I started thinking. If I can get over my fear of heights, if I can believe that I am now fit enough to achieve something, if I plan and work towards something specific then I can do whatever I set my mind on doing. I had an aha moment!

I’m going to train for a triathlon next year. Yep, you read that correctly! This former exercise hating and all round lazy bitch when it comes to sport is going to train properly and take part in a novice tri in Sept/Oct. Once Clark stopped laughing (actual text read ‘U do realise Merlot, Shiraz and Rose doesn’t count as one!’) he reminded me that ‘Anything is possible if u are committed.’ Well, I am committed.

First step is to get back into a swimming pool and practise 200m front crawl breathing properly to the side every 3 strokes. I used to be able to do it but haven’t tried for years. Might need to find someone who knows a bit about swimming to help me out *whistles innocently* but I’m game.

I know it won't be easy but then anything worthwhile is never easy. Will it be awesome, inspiring and life changing? You betcha! :-) x

Bumps, Lumps and........

2010-11-11T18:50:00.000Z

Can't actually think of anything else that rhymes that would make sense!!

Where has this last week (and a bit) gone? I have been so busy I can't even remember what I've been up to. But I do remember meeting Phil Spencer from Channel 4's Location Location Location. He was lovely and didn't mind when I gushed 'I'm a big fan. Can I have my photo taken with you?' (I know - cringe!!) But what a genuinely lovely person. And I remember going to the Run with Wind 10k in Strathaven too. My fingers were blue from removing chips from several hundred trainers! But twas lovely to meet up with good friends.

I have been very good writing for 2 hours most days on my NaNoWriMo project. I'm a bit behind on my daily word target but am so chuffed that I've got into the discipline of writing every day. And despite my best efforts I spell check at the end of every hour! I just can't bear to see those little red and green squiggles under my words! But I don't re write or change anything. That's a huge improvement on previous attempts.

First the bumps. I seem to be covered in bruises! I'm doing a lot of sorting and clearing out. I keep walking into things while I'm carrying stuff and I've fallen over a few boxes. And I stubbed my toe on the wheelie bin when I was putting yet another bag in it. Good job it's winter and I'm usually well covered up so they're not visible.

And now the lump. I have an appt at the breast clinic next Wednesday morning. So far I have been trying not to think too much about it but it creeps into my head in the wee small hours. I know all the statistics point to it being nothing to worry about it. But someone has to be the 1 in 10. Why should I hope that it's someone else and not me?

I believe in karma. I believe we get what we deserve in life and when bad things happen there is a purpose. I don't believe in a higher power but I believe in the collective power of the universe and every person in it. So I am asking the universe and everyone I know to give me the result I deserve on Wednesday. Whatever you believe in can I ask that you spare a few moments to send me some positive healing thoughts/prayers/wishes over the coming week? Even raise a glass if you don't believe in any of that mumbo jumbo shit.

I'm not ashamed to say that I am scared shitless and I need a wee bit of help to get through this.

Thanks xxx

Wet,wet,wet

2010-11-01T18:42:00.000Z

Despite a dodgy start to my day (up all night with a gastric issue!) the day improved despite the miserable wet wet wet weather. Even though I love my shiny fully functioning Honda I could do with one of those amphibious vehicles today!

I realised that I mistyped my daily word target in yesterday's post (sorted it). It's actually 1667 words a day to hit the 50,000 target. I'm pleased to report that this morning I wrote 1100 words and aim to write another 1000 tonight once I've fed the hungry hoards (ie me and the 2 boys!) We're having macaroni and cheese with onion rings (I know it's pasta but I make an exception for good mac and cheese and my home made version is good!) It's No3 son's choice as he was so good at his optician's appt tonight where he tried contact lenses for the first time. He did really well. He's due back on Saturday to learn how to put them in and out. And walk about the shopping centre for an hour wearing them.

I had a lovely afternoon yesterday with Debs and the wild toddler! He is so sweet, definitely a future heartbreaker. We dug out No1 son's box of Brio for him to play with. Some of it is over 20 years old but despite being well played with is still in great condition. No1 son is hoping to pass it on to his children one day. Eek! Grandbabies!!!!! Let's hope that day is a long way off!

It's NaNoWriMo time!

2010-10-31T12:17:00.002Z

Just a few hours to go now before I disappear into my computer for 30days. 50,000 words in 30 days is an average of 1667 words per day. You're allowed to prepare your plot and flesh out your characters beforehand but you must not start writing your novel until midnight tonight. The best bit is you don't re-write or edit or correct spelling and punctuation (you do that at a later date). That's tough when you're a teacher!!! That's been my downfall in the past. This year I hope it's all very different. I'm confident in my ability to do this and am making it my priority for this month.

So don't worry if I'm not posting much on here. I'll pop in and update my progress. I've got a feeling this year could be my year!

On a more serious note I've now got my appt for the breast clinic. Still got a couple of weeks to wait but it's a one stop clinic so by the time I leave there I'll know exactly where I stand. I'm not thinking about it until I have to. Just keep on sending me those positive thoughts.

I need to go tidy up now. Got Debs coming to visit. Top burd (according to the subversive one). I agree!

Wise Words

2010-10-27T21:17:00.001+01:00

Over the last 4 weeks I've had a lot of support both publicly and privately. Many people have sent me lovely messages just to let me know that they're thinking about me and offer some words of wisdom. Some of these wise words appear on the right. When things get tough I think about these words.

Today I came across a quote by Dr Maya Angelou (if you've never heard of her take a look at http://www.mayaangelou.com/) She is a very wise lady. This quote pretty much sums it up for me just now.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Our words and actions have an impact on more people than we think. In time those words and actions will be forgotten but the feelings they provoked will be remembered forever.

How do you eat an elephant?

2010-10-26T18:35:00.001+01:00

I nearly deleted my last post. It was written after a weekend of very little sleep and very little food. At the moment of writing everything seemed overwhelming and I had no idea of how I was going to cope with the spaghetti in my head. Rationally I know that things will get better (well they couldn't get any fucking worse!) so I wanted to write it down while it was in my head. I then had a busy morning and didn't check it or my messages until early afternoon. Wow! I was amazed at the response. I am so sorry I scared some of you. It wasn't intentional.

I will never get tired of saying thank you to all my friends. You all know I'm a fun runner (but not like Fiona's definition!) and I'm just a hanger on when it comes to the serious stuff. But I love being around you guys and you've all made me feel a part of the ultra scene. Your friendship and support is what keeps me going.

Now to those comments. All 16 of them! There is some seriously good stuff in there.

Karen D - I definitely shouldn't look too far into the future. Big mistake trying to figure what's going to happen in a few months, I just don't know. Cliched I know but I have to take it one day at a time.

John and Fiona - I like the analogy of just thinking ahead to the next checkpoint. Don't think about getting to the end just focus on the next step. I like that.

DQ - Just knowing you're thinking about me is more powerful than any words of wisdom x

Bobby - I can't believe we've known each other for over 20 years! That's scary. I know you know. And I'm VERY relieved you won't be there to burn out my clutch!!!

Thomas - Exercise definitely helps. I see Clark my personal torturer twice a week. He's a brilliant PT and a very good friend (and a nag!) And he lets me punch him ;-)

Anon - I'm not going to shoot you down. I've had a brush with depression in the recent past and I'm all too aware of its symptoms. I've done a Mental Health First Aid course in my professional life and would have no difficulty with admitting if I was depressed (BTW please put your name at the bottom of your posts so I know who you are for sure)

Tim - You know that I know I'm an intelligent resourceful woman but sometimes I just want someone else to take the strain for a wee while. I'm not ashamed to ask for help. In fact, this afternoon I saw a counsellor. Message me your phone number and I will phone you sometime!

Geraldine - It means a lot to me that you guys are thinking about me x

Pete - I am definitely gonna claim a big hug from you the next time I see you. You have been warned!! I know that it looks like I might be depressed (I'm open to the suggestion) but really I was reacting to something specific. I know I don't have to write it all down online. I feel absolutely no pressure to write for an audience. I am writing this for me. It's a bonus that people are reading it and responding. And if I didn't make it public then I wouldn't have had this amazing support.

Flip - Not inadequate at all. A kind thought means a lot to me.

Lee - I want everyone to know that you are an amazing woman. You have literally given me back my life. I am honoured to call you my friend xxxxxxx

Dave - I just don't have the words. I can say anything to you and you tell me like it is. No sugar coating. What did I do to deserve you and Lee? You are MY mentor xxxxxxx

Ali - Thank you for being there. Looking forward to catching up tomorrow

Kenny - Trying to make sense of stuff in the wee small hours isn't a great idea. I have seen my GP and I have 2 very good friends who are GPs and they are all keeping an eye on me. It's natural that my eating and sleeping patterns are disrupted but I have confidence that they'll get back to normal in due course.

So have I reassured you that I'll be ok? I know it won't happen quickly. It has been pointed out to me on many occasions that I'm not good in situations where I have no control. This is all out of my control and that's what I'm finding difficult to handle. But I'm getting professional help with that. It's illuminating!

So how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time! Bit like how I'm coping with this.

Ali x

Black

2010-10-25T06:57:00.000+01:00

Sorry folks this isn't going to be a cheery post. Despite being warned that things would get a lot worse before they got better I actually thought they were wrong. I didn't believe that I could possibly feel any worse than I did a few weeks ago. But I was so wrong.

It's been a very difficult 2 days. I'm back to not eating and not sleeping. I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into a big black hole and there's no way out. And the scary thing is that I don't care. I'm trying desperately to not to focus on the negatives but they're so fucking big they're consuming me. I want to go to sleep and just not wake up. My head just can't process all the crap that's in there.

The future terrifies me. I can't see how this is going to get better. What do I actually do on a day to day basis? Someone please tell me what to do.

I know this is a horrible post and I'm sorry but I promised myself that I was going to record everything so I could look back and say 'Wow I can't believe I felt like that.' Everyone keeps telling me it will get better. But when?

Advice from a pirate

2010-10-21T15:29:00.001+01:00

My mother never specifically warned me about staying away from pirates but then that was pre Captain Jack Sparrow *swoons* So when a friend with subversive buccaneer tendencies recently offered me the benefit of his relationship experiences I was a polite girl and listened. And laughed. A lot!

To set the scene - I was slightly loaded to the gunwales (2 glasses of wine is all it takes these days) and I'd had a difficult day (trying desperately to justify my first alcoholic intake in weeks here) so when he sent me a simple text asking if I was ok, I kinda went on a wee rant.

Again to set the scene I'd already had a conversation with a (male) friend who told me that men are the dregs of the human race, programmed by nature to procreate as often as possible with as many as possible and that few mammals mate for life anyway! I'm sure this was all said with tongue in cheek or least I hope it was!

So when my pirate friend suggested that men are not all shits I had to tell him about the 'kind offers' I'd already had from a couple of said shits. Apparently without a husband to discourage wrong 'uns with ulterior motives I should treat everyone with a degree of suspicion! Where's the fun in that??

Anyway by this point I was starting to feel the full effects of the wine and suggested I become a teetotal nun. Apparently being teetotal isn't a great idea (well it felt like it the next morning!) and black clobber and crosses ain't a good look. Oh and lesbians think like men so that wouldn't be an option for me either.

His parting advice was to forget any male involvement for a good 6 months and enrol on a wine appreciation course!

Now if you've worked out who my agony uncle is you'll realise that I've cleaned up a lot of his advice and actually haven't mentioned the rest of it!!! But on a serious note, it's good to get a man's view on stuff. I'm not turning into a raging man hating feminist. Au contraire. I read Men are from Mars when it first came out years ago. Men and women just think differently and that's ok. Vive la difference!

Right now a relationship is the last thing on my mind but if anyone knows of a single Captain Jack lookalike who can cook, reads, loves movies, is handy around the house and can make me laugh, give him my number!

Quick update

2010-10-20T16:59:00.000+01:00

My fireman friend will have to wait to get his relationship advice dissected in another post ;-)

I was back at my GP this afternoon for a further checkup. Although she is still saying it's probably nothing to worry about I'm being referred to the breast clinic for further investigation. I'm too young (woohoo!) for a mammogram so I'll probably get an ultra sound. Could be something or nothing so just keep on sending me those positive thoughts.

Yet again just I as start to feel good about everything another load of shit drops on me. Maybe I was bad in a previous life. I do hope I enjoyed myself ;-)

xxxxx

The next generation

2010-10-17T20:44:00.001+01:00

Photo by Kenny Robertson

No3 son approaching the home straight up the hill. He ran without his glasses which is a major disadvantage as he's blind as a bat without them. But getting contact lenses organised is high on the list of 'Things to Do' this week as it's half term.

Mmmm, donuts

2010-10-16T18:31:00.001+01:00

If you're a Simpsons fan you'll get it!

No3 son took part in his first race for the Junior Strathearn Harriers today. A one and a half mile loop at Stirling Uni in what can only be described as the perfect day for it. No mud, no rain, no wind. 18 out of the 20 youngsters turned up (the missing 2 were on holiday) and ran their little socks off. They were amazing. Our junior section has only been in existence since the start of the new school term. The coaches and helpers are doing a great job with them.

Despite going in the wrong direction at one point and now feeling absolutely knackered, he enjoyed it. As this was his first race I said he could choose a special treat. He asked for donuts and Coke! So far he's had 2 of them and a pint of Coke. Lol! I wouldn't normally allow such indulgence but it is a special occasion.

This was our first public outing as a separated couple. I don't know how people are expecting us to behave when we are together but I was aware that we were being watched (yep I saw you!!) Maybe people don't believe that we genuinely still like each other and can behave ourselves in public. Running is a major part of our lives so you'll still see us at races and events together. And when No3 son is running nothing else matters except cheering him and his team mates.

Aha! moments can change your life

2010-10-15T15:55:00.001+01:00

Oprah calls it an 'Aha!' moment (ok I confess I love Oprah!) It's a moment where you or someone says/does something that makes you stop and look at stuff in a totally different way. Dictionary.com defines an "aha moment" as "a sudden understanding, recognition, or resolution." It could be something unimportant like realising you don't like pasta or it could be something major that makes the last 30 years of your life make sense.

I had an Aha! moment yesterday morning. A very dear friend said something to me via text that took my breath away and actually made my legs buckle. I'm not going say what it is because it is deeply personal to me but it was like finding the last piece of the jigsaw. I didn't even know I had lost it. I am not exaggerating when I say this will change my life. It won't be easy but I'm starting to believe that my life will get better from now on. People keep telling me it will and now I know it will. Thank you from the bottom of my heart xxx

On a less exciting note I had an appt with the bank yesterday afternoon. It took one hour and 20 mins to open a new bank account and apply for a credit card. This is the same bank that I've had an account with for 26 years! I know there are strict laws about the movement of money but jeezo what a palaver! Anyway, I now have my own account. Shame there's bugger all in it but I'm working on it :-)

Yet again I've been reminded that we have some lovely friends. JK and Katrina popped in for lunch since they were in the area. It was lovely to see them. I looked at Jo and Jono's wedding photos (just beautiful!) and caught up on the rest of their news. They reassured me that I'll not be forgotten. And I hope that they saw I'm doing ok.

Cos I am xxx

Penne a la arrabiata

2010-10-13T20:15:00.000+01:00

Today was a good day. I spent it with friends planning a Christmas Fayre with a spot of lunch thrown in. Actually managed to eat something (big improvement!) There was much laughter and gentle teasing as well as some serious chat about what I should be doing to get my life into some sort of order.

We were just chatting generally about food and I managed to say something that had them speechless. I said that despite eating pasta probably 3 or 4 times a week for years and years I actually don't like it. Last week as I sat at the table with the boys with a bowl of pasta in front of me I looked at it and a lightbulb went off in my head. I don't like pasta. So why the hell have I been eating it for years? (Actually I know the answer - it's quick, it's versatile and I can adapt it to suit the fussy eater, the meat eaters and vegetarian all in one dish)

My friend looked me in the eye and said 'It's time to start doing the things you like, including eating what you like!' So we had rice for tea tonight! :-)

I recently saw this video on Youtube (although it's been around for a while) and it makes me crack up every time. Now when I think of pasta this comes to my mind.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv5iEK-IEzw

Oops I did it again!

2010-10-12T19:56:00.001+01:00

Yeah signed up again. Think this is my 4th year now. All I have to do now is write 50,000 words starting 1st Nov and and stop on 30th Nov. Easy peasy? Well, not based on past experiences.

Several people have asked me if I'm going to write that novel now. Well I'm going to give it a good shot. I spent a whole afternoon updating my CV and looking for a job. Any job. There aren't many of them about. But I have applied for 2 temporary jobs, working weekends. Can't say I'm thrilled but at least it keeps the week clear for teaching supply work (she says hopefully!) I'm guessing I won't even get to the interview stage cos I'm over qualified but sometimes you gotta kiss a lot of frogs.......

Many thanks for all the support yesterday. Your texts and messages are getting me through this shitty period. And although yesterday was a very black day, today I'm feeling more positive. There was a fatal accident on the A9 near here. The traffic was diverted round our road. It took an hour to travel into Crieff instead of 12 mins. But everyone I love came home safely and I'm very aware that there are families who don't have that luxury any more.

Focus on the positives x

25

2010-10-11T11:44:00.000+01:00

People told me that birthdays, holidays and anniversaries would be tough. 25 years ago today I met Ian. Yeah, today's a tough one

Life is a rollercoaster

2010-10-10T13:45:00.000+01:00

I'm going to quote that annoying Irish guy's song 'Life is a rollercoaster, just gotta ride it.' OMFG that is so true! Just as I think I'm starting to get a handle on things something else comes along and drops me right back down to where I started. Perhaps even further down. Someone who's been where I am now said there will be so many downs I have to get through I'll just be hanging on for dear life.

The harsh reality of how I'm going cope financially is frankly scaring the shit out of me. And I'm all too aware that it's exactly the same for a hell of a lot of people out there. For the immediate time being I'm staying put in the family home but practically I know that I'm going to have to move at some point. This is a wonderful house and place to live but it eats money. And it will be too big for just me and No3 son as No1 son is planning on going to uni next year.

So I've been job hunting. I'm a primary teacher by profession. I moved into Support for Learning and recently became one of Scotland's few specialist teachers working with children and teenagers who have school phobia or are school refusers. That's 3 areas I could potentially work in. I discovered that out of the 186 teaching jobs available in Scotland right now I'm qualified for 1 job. And that's in Aberdeen!

I'm realistic to know that even if there were available jobs it would take a while to get one. There are 49 teachers for every vacancy. That's scary. There aren't even any temporary jobs. I'm not scared of hard work so if I need to get a job doing something else I will. It's just I can't think of anything else I could do right now. (And before a certain Battersea based fireman suggests anything it needs to be legal!!)

I've been told that this my blog and I can write what I like but I have to be aware that what I say is being read by people who know us in real life and in blogland. In my last post I said that I was mourning the life and future I thought I had. It has been suggested that I sounded complacent about what I thought was my perfect life being taken away from me. That is absolutely not what I meant. I knew my life wasn't perfect and I hope I never gave anyone that impression.

Someone commented on my first post that they were sorry they hadn't seen any signs. There were no public signs. We were never a dramatic couple with blazing rows and tantrums over stuff. But the signs were there and we ignored them. In fact, we ignored them for a very long time until literally a few weeks ago we were forced to stop and actually face them head on. And it was a very unpleasant experience. I have had to take a very hard look at myself. It takes two to make a marriage work or cause it to fail.

I hate rollercoasters, always have. They scare me. I'm not one of life's thrill seekers. In fact I'm quite dull. I'm happiest being at home with my family and friends around me. This rollercoaster I find myself on is truly the scariest thing I've ever done. I know, I've lived a sheltered life. But as someone said I just need to buckle up and ride the damned thing.

The first 2 weeks

2010-10-08T18:43:00.001+01:00

I can't believe that in 2 short weeks my life has been completely turned upside down. The future I thought I had has completely vanished. Someone suggested it was bit like a bereavement in that I am mourning the passing of the life I had and the future I had planned.

Somehow I got through it with the help of friends. I was given lots of advice, some of it useful and some not! What does be kind to yourself mean anyway??? I tried to keep to as normal a routine as possible even though it felt surreal. I couldn't eat for the first few days and survived on coffee. But I'm a sensible gal and knew that I'd have get some kind of nutrition into me. So Complan came to the rescue. I'm still not eating normally but I'm getting there.

Hands down best piece of advice I followed was don't get drunk. Alcohol doesn't solve anything. I made myself a G&T a few times but actually couldn't face it. And I'm glad I didn't. It means that all the decisions I've made and all the things I've had to say were honest and not fuelled by dutch courage.

Last weekend I was at home with just my 2 boys. I was supposed to be going to Inverness with a group of Harriers but I pulled out so it wouldn't be awkward for everyone else. After all I wasn't running, just supporting. This weekend however is going to be strange. I'm not quite sure how we're going to get on. We did have plans with very close friends but we've cancelled them.

So here's to a positive weekend which I'll deal with one bit at a time. Hope your weekend is fab!

Isla

2010-10-07T17:21:00.000+01:00

Today would have been Isla's 14th birthday. This is one of my favourite photos taken in 2006 when Lucy (black lab) was just a year old. Isla was 8 when we decided to add to our canine family. She was utterly disgusted with this wee black puppy who just wanted to snuggle up to her all the time. It took ages for her to accept that she wasn't the only dog any more but she was absolutely the top dog. They used to snuggle up together on the landing half way up the stairs.

It took me 10 years to persuade Ian to get a dog. I grew up with dogs and was used them but he wasn't. He was adamant from the word go that she would be my dog and I would have to do everything. Well that lasted about 2 days. Apart from a terrible week where she had constant diarrhoea he was smitten with this absolute lunatic of a dog. They did everything together.

She barked at buses and motorbikes. She couldn't be let off the lead as she never came back. She didn't run away, she just didn't respond to commands. Ian took her to training class. Once! He was so embarrassed he never went back. He tried to run with her but she kept wanting to go in the opposite direction (see previous comment re not responding to commands!) And she once caught a vole and wouldn't let go. It had to be prised out her jaws and safely released. We dispaired of her ever calming down. She was a real character.

But for all her faults she was a fabulous dog. She was the friendliest dog in the world. Her tail wagged constantly and her tongue hung out when she smiled. She adored children and when we brought No3 son home from the hospital she slept by his pram. Even people who said they didn't like dogs liked Isla.

It broke our hearts earlier this year when we realised that the time had come to do the kindest thing. She was blind, her back legs were wobbly and she was terrified every time she went outside as we had redesigned her back garden. She kept falling off the path and step. She was doing the toilet inside.

I stayed with her as she drifted off into sleep. I told her she was the best dog in the world. And she was. I keep her ashes where I see them. I would like to scatter them somewhere special, probably Arran where we spent many happy holidays. But for now I'll keep them close.

Happy birthday Isla x

PS Thanks for all your good wishes. Dr thinks it's probably nothing to worry about but she wants to see me again in 2 weeks and then decide if it needs further investigation.

Think Pink

2010-10-06T14:00:00.000+01:00

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Every woman should examine their breasts regularly and every guy should be encouraging their woman to put their health first.

So this morning in light of the all the publicity I did my regular examination after watching a 'how to' video. I was pretty much doing it right except for one thing. So I added the bit I haven't been doing. Well, maybe with a sinking feeling you've guessed where this is going. Yep, I found something that wasn't quite right. T-o-t-a-l freakout.

Long story short, I've spoken to my GP by phone (after sobbing hysterically to the guard dog of a receptionist) and I'm seeing someone tomorrow. I've been reassured that 9 times out of 10 it's probably nothing but early detection saves lives. Remember I'm focusing on the positive. Hopefully it's nothing, even better it's been caught early.

Maybe I shouldn't be posting about this but I've promised that I'm going to be honest with myself. And the aim is to look back and see how far I've come. It certainly puts other stuff into perspective.

There is a school of thought that life/God/the universe never gives you more than you can cope with. Well something or someone seems to think I can cope with a fucking truckload of shit right now!!!

Friends

2010-10-05T22:20:00.002+01:00

Oh my goodness, where would I be without the support of my friends? I knew that some of my closest female friends would rally round and offer me a shoulder to cry on or a night of drinking wine and man bashing. But I have been truly touched by some of the messages and emails we've been sent.

One of my biggest fears was that as a non ultra runner I would lose touch with my WHW family. What a stoopid idea!! I have had some amazing messages of support and lots of reassurance that I will be not be forgotten. In fact I've already been bagsied for back up support for next year's race!

I'm going to write down all the fantastic texts, FB messages and emails so I can look at them from time to time. One piece of advice stood out so much I've made it my mantra and posted it under Wise Words. Every day I'm going to focus on the positive things. Thank you (you know who you are)

Today I experienced 2 positive things.

1. I installed our new wireless printer onto my netbook all by myself without any help from my inhouse IT expert (normally I would play dumb and let him do it)

2. I wore a short blouse over black treggings tucked into boots to a meeting and lots of people commented that I looked good (at last all the work I've been doing with my personal torturer is paying off). It was a great boost to my self confidence.

I'm focusing on one day at a time. Cliched I know but there's a reason phrases become a cliche! It's just so true.

First steps

2010-10-04T13:01:00.002+01:00

Well, I've gone public with the news that I am now a separated woman. Someone referred to me as being single again but I don't think that's really quite the case. Single implies that I'm available for a relationship and maybe even looking for one but that certainly ain't the case!

Telling people has been quite difficult. Obviously I had time to get used to the idea before starting to speak to our friends and family. Some of their reactions have been quite surprising!!! People have been shocked (hell, so were we!) but sometimes when people don't know what to say they say the most stupid things. One day I'll write them all down!

Already people are avoiding my eye, clearly not knowing what to say. And some people haven't contacted me even though I know they know. Just tell me you don't know what to say. Or give me a hug. I've done my crying so am unlikely to dissolve into a flood of tears and embarrass anyone.

So this blog will be a record of my journey into the great unknown. Don't worry I won't get too deep or too personal. And I certainly won't be slagging anyone off. I was married to a good man for a long time and he's someone I want to keep in my life. That's the bit that will be hard as we find a way to create a relationship that works for us and our children.

A very dear friend suggested I write a list of all the things I would like to do. That's been a very exciting and illuminating exercise! And if I'm honest a wee bit scary. The possibilities are endless.

Stick with me as I play around with the blog getting it the way I like. I'm going to try to post every day. I want to be able to look back one day and think "Wow, look how far I've come!"

See you soon

Ali x