About Me

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I'm a 45 year old mother of 3 boys. I live in a beautiful old house that needs a lot of TLC with my youngest son and 2 dogs. I am working hard at keeping myself healthy and fit by working out and doing a spot of running. I'm a creative person and am passionate about keeping traditional skills alive. I cook, knit, bake, garden, preserve, read, write and am now learning to spin and quilt. Oh and I sometimes swear.....

Monday, October 25, 2010


Sorry folks this isn't going to be a cheery post.  Despite being warned that things would get a lot worse before they got better I actually thought they were wrong.  I didn't believe that I could possibly feel any worse than I did a few weeks ago.  But I was so wrong.

It's been a very difficult 2 days.  I'm back to not eating and not sleeping.  I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into a big black hole and there's no way out.  And the scary thing is that I don't care.  I'm trying desperately to not to focus on the negatives but they're so fucking big they're consuming me.  I want to go to sleep and just not wake up.  My head just can't process all the crap that's in there.

The future terrifies me.  I can't see how this is going to get better.  What do I actually do on a day to day basis?  Someone please tell me what to do.

I know this is a horrible post and I'm sorry but I promised myself that I was going to record everything so I could look back and say 'Wow I can't believe I felt like that.'  Everyone keeps telling me it will get better.  But when?


Anonymous said...

Don't think too far into the future then Ali, just take each day as it comes otherwise you will scare yourself! Keep hanging on to that rollercoaster.

Karen D. XX

John Kynaston said...

Hi Ali

Hope you are feeling more positive today.

Regarding how long will it take ... I think it is like grieving - we are all very different and deal with things differently. I don't think anyone can say how long it will take for you.

I do think though that you WILL get through this and that you will look back and see how far you've come.

Imagine you're running the whw (???!!??). We don't focus on the end but the next checkpoint or the next mile and the end takes care of itself.

So focus on today.

Have a good day TODAY!

Fiona Rennie said...

Ali, I was also thinking like John when I was reading your post, life is like a long race, even if looking towards the next checkpoint is too hard just look to your next step forward, one at a time.
Go as slow as you like but just keep going.
Fiona xx

Mark said...

Life can be a hell of a lot harder than any race. It can be a total bastard some times.

I offer no wisdom Ali as I don't have any that will make your situation any easier to cope with.

Please be strong. For yourself and your boys.

There will be a day when it doesn't hurt any more.


boabee said...

hi Allison, having known youself and Ian FOR 20 YEARS i was gobsmaked when i heard the news but above all i wish the 2 of you happiness for the future

i was in a slightly similar scenario for a while ( self inflicted) and you just keep working at it girl and things will sort themselves out

hey at least i won,t be there to burn the clutch out on your car!!!!!!!!

bobby m

Thomas said...

Not sure if that is the advise you are looking for but what works for me is physical exercise. It helps me to deal with stress and depression. And it never fails!


Anonymous said...

This may get me shot down in flames... but read and consider before you discard.

All the things you've described are classic symptoms of depression, which would be a entirely natural reaction to all the crap life has thrown at you recently.


Part of me would love to tell you to brave the guard-dog at the GP's again, and tell your doctor exactly what you've just told us. There are many treatments for depression that will help you get through the black patches. Ignore the "mental health" prejudices - if you broke your leg, you'd use a crutch wouldn't you?

And part of me says that you have to find your own first step.

Never forget that there are so many people who love you, and will do anything they can to help you through.

Tim said...

Repeat after me, "I am an intelligent resourceful woman and things WILL get better".

Of course you're going through a rough time, who wouldn't in similar circumstances. Just remember, you're not on your own and you've got a lot of good friends who will help you in any way that they can. Don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for help from anyone or professional organisations. Have a look in your Yellow pages, there's usually a big list of local helplines for support groups at the beginning of the book.

Remember, things WILL get better. Feel free to phone me if you want although I will readily admit that the pirate has loads more experience than me in this field.

I'll second what the last poster said as well, you're almost certainly having to cope with separation AND depression. Do speak to your doctor about it.

Geraldine said...

Thinking of you honey


Peter Duggan said...

While I'm not a doctor and wouldn't presume to 'diagnose' anything over the internet even if I was, it does sound awfully like depression. In which case it might help to know that I've been there, been treated for it, am still at risk from time to time and am not afraid to admit it. So forget about any associated 'stigma' because there is no stigma (in my case hearing the doctor say 'yes, you are depressed' was a starting point and a plus rather than a minus because I'd known for years and felt *more* able to discuss it with others once I had the official 'seal of approval') and please just go see someone about it. :-)

Take care

Flip said...

It seems wholely inadaquate but take care x

Peter Duggan said...

Something else, Ali... for sure you promised yourself that you were going to record everything, but don't feel you have to do it *online* if things are that black just because you said you would. It's another pressure trying to articulate your feelings for 'public' consumption without giving absolutely everything away, and probably one you just don't need with things how they are right now. So maybe do it if it makes you feel better, but consider 'recording' the worst elsewhere if it doesn't?


Lee Maclean said...

Ali, Pete just saved you about 70 quid in counselling fees.
See everything he said....bang on the mark.


Subversive Runner said...

I'm not much of a counsellor as you know, but you also know that I, as a state trained killer and highly trained emergency responder, answer my phone 24/7. So if it helps to talk and you can decipher my cockney, give me a bell.


Ali M said...

Ali -you have had 14 comments (15 now!) which says something in itself. There are lots of people out there for you.

See you tomorrow

Kenny said...

Make that 16 comments. We're all here for all of you if you need us.
Speaking as someone who has also spent far too many nights lying unwillingly awake while inner cogs turn noisly away trying to solve essentially unsolvable problems, please have a word with the doc if you can. He can't solve your problems but might be able to help you finds better ways to cope.
Take care.